Colonoscopy

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by limbkiller, Mar 19, 2019.

  1. limbkiller

    limbkiller Pulling my hair. Supporting Addict

    Aug 18, 2011
    Colonoscopy....the humorous side
    This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
    appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place,at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
    for a produ ct called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to
    hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
    suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that
    day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
    lukewarm water.

    (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)

    Then you have to drink the whole jug.

    This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
    kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
    sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:
    Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
    MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you
    wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
    confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
    And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
    another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
    only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
    that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
    and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
    hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
    put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka
    in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
    where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I
    realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy
    that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.

    And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    ABOUT THE WRITER:
    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies...

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
    quite humorous... A physician claimed that the following are actual
    comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
    performing their colonoscopies:

    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. ' You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

    And the best one of all.

    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head was not in there.
     
  2. KS95B40

    KS95B40 Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Aug 16, 2017
    For those of you who are not old enough to go through this rite of passage of old age... everything said is absolutely true, morosely funny but very true!!
     
    xerts1191, JeffK, Cop_Out and 5 others like this.

  3. gaijin

    gaijin Well-Known Member

    May 18, 2015
    Yes.
    And today is BOWEL PREP for me.
    The procedure tomorrow is by a bud that shoots with us. I will have an opportunity to repay him later. Somehow....

    And you can forget the "pics or it didn't happen" crap.
     
  4. Fatbob Frank

    Fatbob Frank Supporting Addict Supporting Addict

    Feb 5, 2014
    I had mine on Dec. 24th.
    The prep is way worse than the procedure...
     
    tokuboi69 and JeffK like this.
  5. boatdoc

    boatdoc Well-Known Member

    Aug 3, 2015
    years ago, we were boating with some friends. One guy remarked that a slender, nic e looking 30 ish woman was looking good considering her recent colonOSTOMY.

    took a few minutes to reflect on this. she wa s in a bikini!!--no colonostomy bag in site-- genius was told she had a COLONOSCOPY not colonostomy
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
  6. ZoidMeister

    ZoidMeister Consider my signature line before replying . . . .

    Dec 4, 2014
    Not the same, but could apply to a gastroenterologist too . . . .

    0764D4B4-E4E1-437D-BE50-A8026969AE01.jpeg
     
  7. Colorado Sonny

    Colorado Sonny Deo Volente Supporting Addict

    Sep 25, 2015
    04/21/19 I go for the pre-colonoscopy appointment.

    I skipped the last colonoscopy five years ago after I totally destroyed my right rotator cuff and had to go in for surgery, before the colonoscopy.

    I really didn't want to deal with those two things at the same time! In retrospect I would say it was a VERY wise decision!
     
    BenchMonkey and boatdoc like this.
  8. HOTCHKIS

    HOTCHKIS NRA Life Member

    Apr 21, 2013
    I get polyps have to go every 3 years.
     
  9. john_anch_ak

    john_anch_ak Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Mar 7, 2017
    Moviprep has got to be the nastiest tasting drink from hell!
     
    Colorado Sonny likes this.
  10. AZPhil

    AZPhil Well-Known Member

    133
    Mar 9, 2012
    I had 3 this year. Found some things, went back in for a removal and another to check it was all good. I am good but have to go back in 2 years.
    The bowl prep isn't that bad. It was the fasting that sucked!
    You will be pissing out your ass.
    I had 2 types of prep. One was a gallon jug with the powder, Yeah not the best taste, The other was 2 12oz bottles that you dilute with water and drink 2 more 16oz cups and then repeat with the other bottle in the morning 6 hour before procedure. That had kind of a salty raspberry taste.
    My first was by a female doctor, So When I got to work and EVERYBODY(I work with Marines) was just ragging on me. I said At least I got to keep my Man Card!!!! But the next 2 were by male doctors , So I crawled into a ball and sat in silence and wept a little,

    I don't want to talk about it anymore.............LMAO!!!!!!
    But I'm fine now!!!!

    Semper Fi
    Phil
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
  11. Jim w.

    Jim w. Well-Known Member

    Jul 27, 2016
    Last year I had a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy. My only wisecrack was "Be sure to wash that thing when you change ends."

    I was mentally prepared for the "prep" and the solution provided did not taste all that bad. The worst part was that it kept me up ALL NIGHT. I was dizzy with lack of sleep and the knockout dose was welcome.
     
  12. july19

    july19 Womb? Weary? He rests. He has travelled. Supporting Addict

    Sep 16, 2013
    The only good thing is the anesthesia and the “Forget” drug. Oh, one other, you get to buy a new toilet since the enamel has been stripped off the old one. I’m already dreading the one I have coming up in 15 months.
     
  13. j quan

    j quan Well-Known Member

    209
    Feb 1, 2018
    i held out for years, but at 65, i was forced to de do it. it went well but i'm not doing it again. i'll be 70 when it due again, its there's a problem in there, so be it.
     
  14. gaijin

    gaijin Well-Known Member

    May 18, 2015
    ^ I'm with you pal. This is it for me.
     
    Colorado Sonny likes this.
  15. boatdoc

    boatdoc Well-Known Member

    Aug 3, 2015
    they could have done the shoulder surgery and while you were out.....
     
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  16. Colorado Sonny

    Colorado Sonny Deo Volente Supporting Addict

    Sep 25, 2015
    Your'e an evil man! ;)
     
  17. Cop_Out

    Cop_Out Pearl Pimp Supporting Addict

    Feb 3, 2017
    +1
     
  18. Capthobo

    Capthobo NRA Endowment member Supporting Addict

    Nov 9, 2016
    I’ve had one at age 40. 67 now and my GP requested it’s time again. I responded that I feel fine,no thanks. So the doctor had me do a Cologuard. Get,Go, and Gone! Best dam thing since sliced bread in my book!
     
    Colorado Sonny and tac45 like this.
  19. HOTCHKIS

    HOTCHKIS NRA Life Member

    Apr 21, 2013
    I was told I could drink any clear Gatorade with that prep they give you. It makes it go down easier. For all you fellas on the fence about getting a colonoscopy get one...don't play around with it.
     
  20. razorbacker

    razorbacker Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Dec 2, 2011
    I'm 65, the Doc has been suggesting it each year and reminds me insurance will fully pay for it. I just tell him I'll let him know when to schedule. Fellow must retain some dignity in life.
     

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