Drag Race!!

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by Fatbob Frank, Sep 15, 2020.

  1. Fatbob Frank

    Fatbob Frank Supporting Addict Supporting Addict

    Feb 5, 2014
    I borrowed my wife's Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, 3 cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It's stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds and 18-wheelers by surprise...

    I was headed back from Baskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast ("No Cinnamon, ma'am, I take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip. I was minding my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane. I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition.

    Ford Festiva - a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure.

    The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast, and I am cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of seven screaming cylinders...

    Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust-probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust...maybe event cutouts!

    The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy-racer direction... Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady high-pitched song, wound fully out. Though only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel *almost* chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye. He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted a little to take the next corner.

    I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ...

    The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife's car eased past him on the outside, my P165/55R13's screaming in protest, as we raced to the next light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right.

    Chevy superiority reigns!!!

    I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a Volkswagon Van!
     
    FWoo45, Lou1, Lineman1982 and 21 others like this.
  2. Mike Meints

    Mike Meints Well-Known Member

    Mar 2, 2017

  3. Bender

    Bender Supporting Addict Supporting Addict

    Aug 15, 2011
    Killin me........I needed that laugh Frank!

    Thanks
     
    switchback and Fatbob Frank like this.
  4. Greg M.

    Greg M. Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Mar 6, 2020
    Lol that’s an awesome bit of writing there!! I love it. I had a professor in college who I swear was a professional reader. It may have been the only class I paid attention in because it was like everything he read it was coming alive.
     
    FWoo45 and switchback like this.
  5. Capthobo

    Capthobo NRA Endowment member Supporting Addict

    Nov 9, 2016
    Uhhh, Baskins Robbins is open? Yipppeee!
     
  6. N.Al-Tider

    N.Al-Tider Well-Known Member

    202
    May 15, 2017
    Lol, you had me on the edge of my seat. Congrats on the Yuuuuge win! Should we all chip in and buy you a trophy? One would look really cool in the back window of that Metro...[​IMG]
     
    rockittsled and Greg M. like this.
  7. Nick Rice

    Nick Rice Well-Known Member

    377
    Feb 2, 2017
    Your Thread Title caught my eye since I'm a car guy my whole life and drag racer for over 20 years with a 10 sec Chevy ll.
    Dude, that story was so hilarious I really think you should make a song out of it..

    Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk
     
  8. Scaramouche

    Scaramouche Student of the Columbian Exchange Supporting Addict

    Sep 15, 2015
  9. tac45

    tac45 What me worry ? Supporting Addict

    Mar 4, 2012
    God help us , this is what street racing has come to. ????
    Frank , I wish you posted this sooner it’s a perfect fit for my
    “ the apocalypse is here thread “. :roflmaro:
     
    FWoo45, UBOATDOC and Fatbob Frank like this.
  10. Colt1911Guy

    Colt1911Guy Lifetime NRA member

    906
    Aug 27, 2017
    What did you do with your drink? That had to have been a lot of g’s.
    No self respecting geo metro had cup holders.
     
  11. jfrey

    jfrey Supporting Addict Supporting Addict

    890
    Oct 10, 2012
    Sort of reminds me of driving my wife's VW Beetle back from Corpus last weekend. I kept getting this warning on the dash that I was "Exceeding 80 miles per hour". Heck the speedometer goes to 160 so what's the big deal? I knew I wasn't going over 75 anyway. Gives "Looking up to everyone on the road" a new meaning. That 1.8 liter, turbo charged beast is a new experience that I don't want to enjoy any more than necessary. I'll stick to my Hemi powered Ram pickup thank you!
     
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  12. Fatbob Frank

    Fatbob Frank Supporting Addict Supporting Addict

    Feb 5, 2014
    I actually stole it from a Dodge site, but thought it was worth a repost!
     
    Colt1911Guy likes this.
  13. danc1996

    danc1996 Well-Known Member

    367
    Nov 29, 2016
    This may be one of the best posts I've ever spent time reading!

    Sent from my SM-G973U using Tapatalk
     
  14. GaryH

    GaryH Active Member

    64
    Aug 26, 2020
    Are you a writer by profession? That was pretty good.
     
  15. Caspian

    Caspian Chief Steward of Man Law

    329
    Sep 18, 2019
    Now that was damn funny. Especially since I have had both a Metro and a Fiesta rev me at stop lights, apparently thinking their 2000 lb weight advantage was going to give them an advantage.

    Poor Bastards.
     
    Fatbob Frank likes this.
  16. Lou1

    Lou1 Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Sep 1, 2018

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