Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by Mike Meints, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. Mike Meints

    Mike Meints Well-Known Member

    Mar 2, 2017
    1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

    I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

    Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
    and I was in the wrong one.

    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
    San Francisco

    2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

    'Big breaths,’ I instructed.
    'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.

    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
    Seattle, WA

    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

    Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

    4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
    'Which one?’ I asked.
    'The patch.'
    'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
    and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

    I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

    Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
    Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

    Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
    Norfolk, VA

    5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
    'How long have you been bedridden?'

    After a look of complete confusion she answered,
    ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
    Corvallis, OR

    6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
    'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

    I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

    Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,

    7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
    and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

    When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
    the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
    and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

    Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

    Submitted by RN no name,


    8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB,
    I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
    To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

    The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

    I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ..
    ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

    She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..

    ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was,
    ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

    Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

    1 MORE
    Baby's First Doctor Visit

    This made me laugh out loud.
    I hope it will give you a smile!

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
    waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
    'Breast-fed,' she replied.

    'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

    She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

    Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
    'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

    'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
    kelton, FWoo45, razorbacker and 18 others like this.
  2. boatdoc

    boatdoc Well-Known Member

    Aug 3, 2015
    one day, I might just die of a massiv e internal fart..seriously
    xerts1191, Kip and Mike Meints like this.

  3. Busa Dave

    Busa Dave Well-Known Member

    Mar 3, 2018
  4. Ohio

    Ohio I like this place !

    Mar 22, 2018
    True story!

    My S-I-L is a doctor and when he was doing his residency, in an inner city Chicago hospital, a couple came in. When asked what was wrong, the wife said “ my hoochie be hurtin’ “. The husband piped in and said “ these are medical professionals, us medical terms....tell ‘em your pu$$y hurts”.

    And that’s the truth!!
    xerts1191, boatdoc, AZPhil and 6 others like this.
  5. duketbrd88

    duketbrd88 Well-Known Member

    Sep 1, 2011


    Apr 5, 2015
    I could share at least 5-10 paragraphs of pretty unusual and ribald medical exam/ER visits. A couple of favorites: I once went to a room at an ER in Oregon which was the closest ER to a locally famous strip club. I picked up the chart which read "Want to talk to the Dr. about a private issue" To me this usually meant STD symptoms so I went to the room and knocked on the door, entered to find an extremely attractive young female sitting on the exam table. I introduced myself and sat down and asked how I could help? The patient wanted me to examine her for irritation of her genitals she had developed from sliding on the dance pole while completely naked.

    The next day I saw another female patient who had just moved into an apartment with another young female who happened to own a pet Prarie Dog. The Prarie Dog owner decided to leave the door of the cage open to let the animal out to "introduce" the new roommate. This critter leaped out of the cage and attacked and bit the roommate twice on her breasts. This poor frightened woman jumped off the couch and ran to her room at top speed with this critter in close pursuit slamming her bedroom door in the face of this obviously very territorial dirt rat.

    Thought I would share a couple of my more memorable ER adventures.
    FWoo45, xerts1191, limbkiller and 7 others like this.
  7. Mistman

    Mistman Well-Known Member

    Feb 5, 2015
    hmmm...I knew a young lady in the Portland area w/a pet prairie dog, the thing bit my finger to the bone.

    I figured it was retribution for the hurt I'd been putting on his family over in Wyo for the couple years prior to that.
    Kip, UBOATDOC, FWoo45 and 2 others like this.
  8. boatdoc

    boatdoc Well-Known Member

    Aug 3, 2015
    went to school an
    d did my residence in Chicago. used to ask our Vets if they needed pain meds after surgery... many chimed in they would handle that themselves... and they did
    Kip, UBOATDOC, FWoo45 and 2 others like this.
  9. ZoidMeister

    ZoidMeister Consider my signature line before replying . . . .

    Dec 4, 2014
    "We had to mow the lawn . . . . . . "

    ROFLMAO . . . .
    Capthobo likes this.
  10. xerts1191

    xerts1191 Well-Known Member

    Aug 12, 2017
    4E365D1E-86F3-4637-BD0B-B13FB4813840.jpeg Think one of you had posted this earlier, I still get a kick out of it!
    ZoidMeister, UBOATDOC and Mike Meints like this.
  11. xerts1191

    xerts1191 Well-Known Member

    Aug 12, 2017
  12. Fatbob Frank

    Fatbob Frank Supporting Addict Supporting Addict

    Feb 5, 2014
    I just had my first colonoscopy on Dec. 24th.
    The anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself before the procedure and he was wearing a Green Bay Packers
    surgical head wrap.
    Of course I had to give him crap, saying I wasn't comfortable being put under by a Packers fan.
    He took it well( I thought).
    When the procedure began, just before putting me under,
    he confirmed my info: name, date of birth,ect..
    " And you're here for the testicular removal correct?"

    Not funny Dave...

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