Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by Mike Meints, Oct 13, 2020 at 6:56 AM.

  1. Mike Meints

    Mike Meints Well-Known Member

    Mar 2, 2017
    1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
    left arm and repeat process.
    3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
    4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
    paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
    5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
    6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
    7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
    Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
    8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
    9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
    10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
    12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
    the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
    13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
    14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
    emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
    15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
    1) Wrap it in cheese.
  2. Glock2740

    Glock2740 1911 addict Staff Member Moderator

    Aug 16, 2011
    I laughed out loud repeatedly through that one!
    GREAT! :thumbs: :cheers:
    Kip, Spokes, limbkiller and 1 other person like this.

  3. Caspian

    Caspian Chief Steward of Man Law

    Sep 18, 2019
    Only cat ownees can truly relate to that. And we laugh because it's funny, and we laugh because it's TRUE.
  4. Babboonbobo

    Babboonbobo Avatar is back to my favorite things!

    Nov 18, 2014
    Yup! Trying to give my wife’s damn cats a pill is EXACTLY like that:roflmaro:and it takes two hours to do it
    OneEyedTanker and colrhino like this.
  5. livinthelife

    livinthelife Well-Known Member

    Jul 30, 2015
    Halfway through the scotch, I was waiting to hear that the pill just became a suppository!
  6. Justin_Pelletier

    Justin_Pelletier Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Dec 27, 2016
    Lol. Catch the cat, wrap it in a towel with the head showering force the mouth open, place the pill in the throat close mouth.

    Then I’m do the towel and run. Works for me.

    Have 1 cat left. After this guy passes in a few years I’ll not be replacing him. He’s 11 this year. Orange cat. Somewhat a decent cat. Found him in a box in a shopping cart at Walmart. Was walking out to my car and heard a meow. Brought him home. Always wanted an orange cat!

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
    colrhino likes this.
  7. N.Al-Tider

    N.Al-Tider Well-Known Member

    May 15, 2017
    I hate cats. Correction: I HATE CATS! Correction #2: I ABSOLUTELY HATE ALL CATS!

    My preferred method for giving a cat a pill is from about 30 yards away using my AR-10 .308 loaded with hollow points. Easy Peasy!

    Did I mention that I hate cats?
    isialk and DSTallguy like this.
  8. N.Al-Tider

    N.Al-Tider Well-Known Member

    May 15, 2017
    Fake news! There is no such thing as a "decent cat" and there never will be... ;)
  9. livinthelife

    livinthelife Well-Known Member

    Jul 30, 2015
    When a person keeps animal feed in a learns the value of a good barn cat.
    FWoo45, Crewchief and rmac like this.
  10. Legion489

    Legion489 Well-Known Member

    Oct 28, 2011
    Personally I hire it done. I do not want the cat to know I have had anything to do with the process and then find out what will happen if I fall asleep. The major problem is finding a new person to do it every time.

    DRYHUMOR Well-Known Member

    Sep 20, 2011
    I don’t mind other peoples cats, mostly. No way in hell I’d want one. Unless it was 100% outdoor cat, that just stopped by to say hello every 4-5 weeks... I could tolerate that. Maybe.
  12. Gimpster

    Gimpster Kevin G Supporting Addict

    Apr 6, 2017
    Man this was funny but I've got to say.......My wife has always had cats and she just don't have that much trouble giving them pills. Sometimes it's a little more challenging but they do seem to trust her.
  13. Uncle Bob

    Uncle Bob Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Sep 22, 2017


    That would probably be worse!
  14. july19

    july19 Womb? Weary? He rests. He has travelled. Supporting Addict

    Sep 16, 2013
    That is great, visual and mostly true. Cats are hard to hold and very strong. I still like them though.

    Caspian, FWoo45 and Uncle Bob like this.
  15. Uncle Bob

    Uncle Bob Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Sep 22, 2017
    There are ways without a big fight.
  16. 1911mechanik

    1911mechanik Christ is my front sight.

    Apr 29, 2016
    I’ve read this before and every time I read it it brings tears to my eyes with laughter. Thanks for posting it. So funny and so true. Miss my buddy Sarge, best cat ever.
  17. Joni Lynn

    Joni Lynn Professional Pest, NRA Patron member

    Dec 21, 2014
    My first cat was impossible to give pills to. I tried, my parents tried the vet tried. Finally gave up, gave the little princess several shots and called it done.
  18. Joni Lynn

    Joni Lynn Professional Pest, NRA Patron member

    Dec 21, 2014
    My first cat was impossible to give pills to. I tried, my parents tried, the vet tried. Finally gave up, gave the little princess several shots and called it done.
  19. ferretray

    ferretray Member

    Jul 24, 2018
    Bless your heart...
    rockittsled likes this.

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