Irish Smiles

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by Mike Meints, Mar 30, 2019.

  1. Mike Meints

    Mike Meints Well-Known Member

    Mar 2, 2017
    After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents
    Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
    Husband: What's up?
    Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...
    Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: " Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. "
    So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”
    Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.
    An Irishman's first drink with his son! While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
    Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
    Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
    A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
    "Hey, show us yer teats, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks.
    Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
    Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,
    "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."
    She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks,
    "Did that sound cross enough?"
    ______________________________ __
    Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
    Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
    Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
    __________________________ ______________________________ __
    Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
    ______________________________ __
    Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?
    'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'

    ______________________________ __
    Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
    Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
    Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
    ______________________________ __
    Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
    'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
    'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
  2. Colorado Sonny

    Colorado Sonny Deo Volente Supporting Addict

    Sep 25, 2015
    :roflmaro::roflmaro::roflmaro::roflmaro::roflmaro: Thank You! I needed that!
    Mike Meints likes this.

  3. july19

    july19 Womb? Weary? He rests. He has travelled. Supporting Addict

    Sep 16, 2013
    Good ones; I could change those to Swede jokes for the sake of my square-headed FIL. He has a horrible sense of humor when it comes to Swede jokes but I’m sure he’ll appreciate these.
    Colorado Sonny and Mike Meints like this.

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