Old Time Comedy

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by limbkiller, Dec 28, 2018.

  1. limbkiller

    limbkiller Pulling my hair. Supporting Addict

    Aug 18, 2011
    * There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

    * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

    * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

    * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

    * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

    * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

    * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

    * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried it's to big.

    * My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

    * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

    * I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

    * The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

    * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
    Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

    * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
    Patient: "I AM 60!"
    Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

    * A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
    The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
    The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

    * Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!"
    The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?"
    The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"

    * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
    Doctor: "Don't answer!"

    * A drunk was in front of a judge.
    The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
    The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

    * A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
    The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"
    The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

    * I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
    xerts1191, jfrey, Babboonbobo and 8 others like this.

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