Steven Wright

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by limbkiller, Sep 24, 2020.

  1. limbkiller

    limbkiller Pulling my hair. Supporting Addict

    Aug 18, 2011
    If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:
    "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
    His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.

    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
    2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
    3 - Half the people you know are below average.
    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
    9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
    10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
    12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
    13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
    14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
    15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
    18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
    19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
    20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
    23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
    24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
    25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
    29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
    31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
    32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
    33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
    34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
    35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
    Dub, gps man, GaryH and 28 others like this.
  2. Fred_G

    Fred_G Known Agitator

    Dec 29, 2015
    I saw him live back in the late 80's. Funny as hell. Certainly a 'different' sense of humor.

    "Everywhere is in walking distance, if you have the time."

    "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
    Dub, gps man, Babboonbobo and 7 others like this.

  3. Spokes

    Spokes Supporting Addict Supporting Addict

    Sep 18, 2011
    Great mind. Thanks...
    limbkiller likes this.
  4. Integrity Arms

    Integrity Arms 1911 Pistol Smith

    Mar 20, 2017
    This is awesome thanks for posting this Ed Love it...
    limbkiller likes this.
  5. 1LuvGuns

    1LuvGuns Incurable..... NRA Lifer

    Aug 14, 2012
    A comic genius if there was one.
    Uncle Bob and limbkiller like this.
  6. dasroofr

    dasroofr Well-Known Member

    Jul 13, 2019
    I have heard many of these, but didn't know who originated them. Thanks for posting this, limbkiller
    limbkiller likes this.
  7. cliff58

    cliff58 Well-Known Member

    Jan 28, 2019
    I went to the store to buy batteries-but they weren't included,so I had to buy them again.
  8. Fred_G

    Fred_G Known Agitator

    Dec 29, 2015
    "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it." SW

    "The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
    Babboonbobo, Lou1, FWoo45 and 2 others like this.
  9. cliff58

    cliff58 Well-Known Member

    Jan 28, 2019
    I could listen to him all day long.
    Fred_G and limbkiller like this.
  10. Uncle Bob

    Uncle Bob Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Sep 22, 2017
    25! And yes I've seen him.
  11. Anvil_Head

    Anvil_Head Well-Known Member

    Nov 6, 2019
    I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

    One of my fav stand ups!
  12. farmer

    farmer Well-Known Member

    Feb 15, 2013
    My favorite: "You know when you're playing around, leaning back, balancing in a chair and you go just a little too far and get that jolt of panic? ,,,,,,I feel like that all the time."
    Dub and Lou1 like this.
  13. Lou1

    Lou1 Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Sep 1, 2018
    His insights are hilarious and the dry, monotone delivery just seals the deal.
  14. Caspian

    Caspian Chief Steward of Man Law

    Sep 18, 2019
    #15 is one I have said for YEARS. Funny and TRUE. Be enthusiastic about your anger and get it out of you.
  15. hayseed1

    hayseed1 Member

    Feb 6, 2020
    I have always loved this guys sense of humor,,,

    “I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.”

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