The difference between men and women...

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by bigbob76, Oct 29, 2018.

  1. bigbob76

    bigbob76 Not so big Bob these days Supporting Addict

    546
    Jul 3, 2012
    A guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.


    And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"


    And then, there is silence in the car.


    To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.


    And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.


    And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?


    And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.


    And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.


    And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.


    And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.


    And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.


    And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.


    And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...


    "Fred," Martha says aloud.


    "What?" says Fred, startled.


    "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)


    "What?" says Fred.


    "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."


    "There's no horse?" says Fred.


    "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.


    "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.


    "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.


    (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)


    "Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)


    "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.


    "What way?" says Fred.


    "That way about time," says Martha.


    "Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)


    "Thank you, Fred," she says.


    "Thank you," says Fred.


    Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.


    The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.


    They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.


    Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"


    And that's the difference between men and women.
     
  2. ZoidMeister

    ZoidMeister Consider my signature line before replying . . . .

    Dec 4, 2014

    Rough night you had last night Fred, I mean 'Bob' . . . .
     
    bigbob76, Capthobo and Bro. Pappaw like this.

  3. ZoidMeister

    ZoidMeister Consider my signature line before replying . . . .

    Dec 4, 2014
    Readers Digest version for those of you who are male (and didn't make it past the third paragraph) . . . .


    Men-vs-Women.jpg
     
  4. kellstlell

    kellstlell Active Member

    38
    Sep 7, 2015
    And more[​IMG]

    Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk
     
  5. Capthobo

    Capthobo NRA Endowment member Supporting Addict

    Nov 9, 2016
    I don’t read a post that long on 1911s. I’ll wait for news at 11 for rest of the story.
     
    bigbob76, The War Wagon and mikemac like this.
  6. mikemac

    mikemac Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Apr 22, 2017
    I had to read it to the end
     
    bigbob76 and ZoidMeister like this.
  7. Mike Meints

    Mike Meints Well-Known Member

    Mar 2, 2017
    That was great !
    Thanks for the laughs !
     
    bigbob76 and ZoidMeister like this.
  8. The War Wagon

    The War Wagon Well-Known Member

    159
    Oct 11, 2018
    Cliff notes:

    [​IMG]
     
    Capthobo, bigbob76, FWoo45 and 4 others like this.
  9. Fred_G

    Fred_G Known Agitator

    Dec 29, 2015

You need 3 posts to add links to your posts! This is used to prevent spam.

Verification:
Draft saved Draft deleted