Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by Mike Meints, Oct 18, 2020.

  1. Mike Meints

    Mike Meints Well-Known Member

    Mar 2, 2017
    DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
    WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
    DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
    PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
    BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
    HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
    TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
    PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
    HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
    UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
    Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    rmac, ronin11, Scaramouche and 21 others like this.
  2. 1LuvGuns

    1LuvGuns Incurable..... NRA Lifer

    Aug 14, 2012
    Always a classic!
    Old_Man likes this.

  3. jcc7x7

    jcc7x7 Well-Known Member

    Nov 2, 2019
    Well THAT made me laugh and think of all the times I've done those things!!!!!
  4. robs9

    robs9 Well-Known Member

    May 4, 2015
    Love it!!!

    Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk
    Mike Meints likes this.
  5. Nick Rice

    Nick Rice Well-Known Member

    Feb 2, 2017
    Haha.. The Brutal truth.

    Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk
  6. henryt

    henryt Well-Known Member

    Aug 7, 2020
    What is the definition of a Dremel tool?
    Colorado Sonny likes this.
  7. DRD

    DRD Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Mar 8, 2018
    I'll show you my scars if you show me yours. :D:D
  8. Lou1

    Lou1 Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Sep 1, 2018
    True story. My wife wanted to know what I was laughing about so I tried to read it to her. I literally had to stop because I was laughing so hard I was crying and couldn’t read anymore.
    jcc7x7 and livinthelife like this.
  9. Colorado Sonny

    Colorado Sonny Deo Volente Supporting Addict

    Sep 25, 2015
  10. Colorado Sonny

    Colorado Sonny Deo Volente Supporting Addict

    Sep 25, 2015
    What real men use to trim their fingernails!
  11. SmokeyBear

    SmokeyBear New Member

    Jul 21, 2020
    After the studs are cut too short, they make excellent Spider Squashers!
    Antechinus likes this.
  12. july19

    july19 Womb? Weary? He rests. He has travelled. Supporting Addict

    Sep 16, 2013
    That’s a mighty fine “joke.”
    Lou1 likes this.
  13. Apollo99

    Apollo99 Well-Known Member

    Jun 26, 2017
    I don't find it funny Mike, the truth hurts.
    Lou1 and Colorado Sonny like this.

You need 3 posts to add links to your posts! This is used to prevent spam.

Draft saved Draft deleted