Where to retire...

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by jaydoc, Feb 5, 2019.

  1. jaydoc

    jaydoc i'm riding a turtle!

    Aug 10, 2012
    You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
    1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
    2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
    6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??


    You can retire to California where...
    1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.


    You can retire to New York City where..
    1 You say, "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is "nature."
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
    5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


    You can retire to Minnesota where...
    1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
    2. Halloween costumes must fit over parkas.
    3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
    6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different,”” She is different," or "It was different!"


    You can retire to The Deep South where...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2 ”Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
    4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
    5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
    6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say, "Bless his heart” at the end!


    You can move to Colorado where...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


    You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"


    FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
    kelton, xerts1191, Joe C and 30 others like this.
  2. limbkiller

    limbkiller Pulling my hair. Supporting Addict

    Aug 18, 2011

  3. boatdoc

    boatdoc Well-Known Member

    Aug 3, 2015
    do NOT retire in CT. they tax everything including bowel movements and breathing..I think they will tax death and funerals soon
  4. azguy1911

    azguy1911 I'm done buying guns, I'm just a bystander now

    Oct 22, 2015
  5. mikemac

    mikemac Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Apr 22, 2017
    No Place to go it seems, that is. So my old saying, put a snow shovel on your shoulder and walk south. When somebody stops you and ask, what is that on your shoulder. Stop there and your quest is over. Thanks Jaydoc
  6. mikegalway

    mikegalway CEO of DILLIGAF industries Supporting Addict

    Feb 23, 2014
    Left out Missouri , but as long as you're not in St.Louis it's pretty much like Kansas or Nebraska with hills .
    Mike Meints, boatdoc and mikemac like this.
  7. tac45

    tac45 What me worry ? Supporting Addict

    Mar 4, 2012
    Or you can stay in Kansas because it is Gods country , I love Kansas.
  8. joerockhead

    joerockhead "BOURBON" It's not just for Breakfast anymore ! Supporting Addict

    Oct 12, 2011
    Or you could move to Michigan...
    where we have 2 seasons ........

    JULY and WINTER !!!!
  9. ZoidMeister

    ZoidMeister Consider my signature line before replying . . . .

    Dec 4, 2014
    When I get set to retire, my only stipulation is I hope it's above ground . . . .

    I've already got a down payment made on my Plan B retirement condo . . .

    Mike Meints, xerts1191, 1L26 and 6 others like this.
  10. wrmiller

    wrmiller The Tinker

    Oct 29, 2016
    Not all of AZ is like Phoenix (our kids and their families live up there), and definitely got a chuckle out of the description. The wife and I like where we are, and have no plans to leave.
    UBOATDOC likes this.
  11. Lou1

    Lou1 Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Sep 1, 2018
    I’m still about fifteen years away but I’m seriously beginning to consider somewhere like Panama. Modern infrastructure, modern healthcare, only a two hour flight to get back to the U.S. and cost of living is about a third less.
    Busa Dave and mikemac like this.
  12. Fight islam Now

    Fight islam Now Active Member

    Mar 3, 2017
    Yea......I want to trust my freedom and security and the safety of my wife to a central american gvernment.

    OH, and leave the 1911’s here.
    Tarpon Hunter likes this.
  13. KS95B40

    KS95B40 Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Aug 16, 2017
    I’m sure there is a joke in here somewhere but I don’t get it...


  14. Mike0251

    Mike0251 Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Mar 25, 2016
    I've retired right here where my beloved wife and I have been for 39 years. 20180509_175648.jpg
    AZPhil, xerts1191, mikemac and 6 others like this.
  15. SparkyAZ

    SparkyAZ It is a dry heat, right... Supporting Addict

    Sep 11, 2012
    Oh My, I am guessing you have a personal relationship with your lawnmower Mike?
  16. Babboonbobo

    Babboonbobo Avatar is back to my favorite things!

    Nov 18, 2014
    Great! Now you did it! That will be Cortez’s next idea:buck::confused2:
    xerts1191 likes this.
  17. jaydoc

    jaydoc i'm riding a turtle!

    Aug 10, 2012
    Mike, put a berm in the back of that yard for a range!
    xerts1191, mikemac and joerockhead like this.
  18. tac45

    tac45 What me worry ? Supporting Addict

    Mar 4, 2012
    Okay, God fell asleep for a little bit. :eek:
    KS95B40, xerts1191 and mikemac like this.
  19. Mike0251

    Mike0251 Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Mar 25, 2016
    Spark I have a Scag Turf Tiger and it takes about 80 min to cut a bit over 3 acres. I enjoy cutting grass!
    Jay I have a shooting place on the farm behind that last row of trees and if you look real close I have a steel backstop and sand pit in the middle of the yard in front of the tree line. Steel plates are angled to deflect the lead into the sand pit. I prefer the farm, mine is just in case I loose access.
    We had an on ground pool for 27 years in the same spot. We lost it Labor Day 2017 due to a steel failure. So we were getting ready to retire and pulled the pin on the inground. It was finished early Dec 2017. My wife at least got to see it before she passed. I hired a landscaper to complete the details March 2018. Been here a very long time. 20160628_184700.jpg
    AZPhil, tac45, Mike Meints and 9 others like this.
  20. KS95B40

    KS95B40 Well-Known Member Supporting Addict

    Aug 16, 2017


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